


Self Destruct

by astraielle, ghoulaesthetics (astraielle)



Category: Choice of Games, Vampire: The Masquerade, Vampire: The Masquerade - Night Road
Genre: Choice of Games - Freeform, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Prompt Fill, Tenderness, Vampires, idk how else to tag this fdgfhg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:39:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27890119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astraielle/pseuds/astraielle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/astraielle/pseuds/ghoulaesthetics
Summary: Of course, the lack of blood wasn’t the only thing that had her a little on edge. There was also the question of... whatever the hell was going on with her and Lettow.
Relationships: Female Courier/Lettow Kaminsky, Past mention of Female Courier/Julian Sim, Ventrue Courier/Lettow Kaminsky
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	Self Destruct

**Author's Note:**

> i've fallen head first into night road and if yall haven't played it yet, please head on over to the choice of games website and do it now
> 
> prompt fill -- trembling hands

Rarely did Iris ever give much of a thought to her bloodline. Usually, it was someone else bringing it to her attention, making some smart comment about how one of the prestigious Clan of Kings was working as a low-level Camarilla courier with nothing else lined up for her. 

Right now though, she found herself wishing she was descended from literally anyone besides the Ventrue. _Goddamned restrictions,_ she thought with only the smallest amount of bitterness. Well, alright, ‘young men’ wasn’t exactly a difficult standard to meet as far as blood went, but that didn’t change the fact that they were still miles away from anyone who fit the description. 

(Ghoulification notwithstanding, she knew that Vani would’ve been willing to volunteer, but sadly, she also didn’t make the cut for Iris’s needs.) 

She’d drank her fill before they set out to find Reremouse in the desert, but that was two days ago and she was already starting to get twitchy without blood. Lettow and Julian were unbothered, both free to drink from local fauna and the synthetic blood bags they’d packed with the supplies. They needed to get this over with sooner rather than later, and not just because Reremouse was an active threat. 

Of course, the lack of blood wasn’t the only thing that had her a little on edge. There was also the question of... whatever the hell was going on with her and Lettow. 

They’d kissed, right there out in the open, just before Julian joined them and ruined the mood with his complaining and overall hostility. 

_Serves him right. He manipulates me into diablerizing Lettow’s last partner, I get to ruin at least several days for him._

The kiss wasn’t nearly long enough, in her opinion. But it had been electrifying and enough to make her vitae sing when they connected, and she was loathed to let go. 

_And that’s you talking, by the way. Not Aila. It’s different. She’s not in the back of your head pulling the strings, that’s not how that works. Maybe with someone stronger, but not this. Julian doesn’t know shit. He’s just trying to fuck with my head right now because I didn’t want to seduce the Prince of Tucson for his stupid plans._

Aila was a subject best kept far away from her waking thoughts, but that was getting difficult in recent nights. She would come up again, at some point, whenever Lettow put two and two together. Or whenever she decided to crack under the guilt of keeping up the charade and just tell the truth of what happened that night. Who knew what would come first? Lettow would probably be done with her either way, and that was if he decided she was even worth the mercy of just breaking things off with her and leaving it at that. Julian might have been pulling the strings, but Iris was the only one who’d actually committed a crime worthy of death. 

_Don’t think about it,_ she chided herself. _Don’t think about that, or how hungry you are, or how badly Julian wants me to believe this is only happening like it is right now because Lettow looks at me and sees Aila. Don’t go there._

Because if that were the case, why would he just allow her to kiss him like that? Why encourage the advances? He seemed genuine enough, and she didn’t doubt that someone of his standing would have any issue setting boundaries. 

She woke up with her back pressed against his chest this evening, and she was absolutely certain that wasn’t the way she’d fallen asleep last night. He would’ve kept a distance between them if he’d sensed anything strange. She doubted that process involved forcing himself to stay awake after dawn had broken just long enough so that he could wind an arm around her waist and press his face into her neck until dusk. 

She would’ve enjoyed it more if they hadn’t been on the dirt floor of a cave with Julian just on the other side of Lettow, irritation radiating off of him the entire time. Still, it was unexpected and sweet.

_Beggars can’t be choosers, I suppose._

She was the last to rise, both her companions already waiting outside the cave for her to join them. Vani was presumably around somewhere out there too. 

The hunger at the back of her skull makes Iris slower than normal to move--it sort of reminds her of a second-day hangover, back when she used to be able to go on benders as a human. By the time she’s outside, Julian and Lettow are--for once--sitting in an amiable silence while seated on a blanket, drinking what is presumably some of the artificial blood. 

“Iris.” Lettow greeted her with an incline of his head. “I’d offer you something to drink but...” He trailed off a bit at the end, frowning slightly in concern. 

“No need.” She smiled weakly. After a moment of fishing around in the pockets of her black leather jacket, she pulled out a mostly-full pack of cigarettes. 

“The breakfast of champions,” Julian rolled his eyes. “Because that’s totally got an equivalent nutritional value for us.” 

She shrugged, tapping out a single cigarette from the box and bringing it to rest between her lips unlit. “Not at all. But I don’t see any other real options out here, do you?” 

“I’m not offering my neck,” Julian replied, back to trying his best at appearing standoffish with her. She could’ve sworn that he was also trying to get a rise out of Lettow. 

“Good, because I wasn’t going to ask you for a thing,” she said sharply, working the words out around the cigarette before Lettow could interject. She was certain there had been a lighter in one of these pockets, and she hadn’t been in any situation where she would’ve lost it yesterday. Frustrating--if blood wasn’t an option, she should at _least_ be able to have a smoke. 

Relief flooded her when she finally managed to grasp it in one of the internal pockets. Technically, nicotine didn’t actually do anything for her anymore, what with being clinically dead and all. Old habits die hard, however, and could be counted on as a distraction. 

It would have been anyway, if she could manage to actually light the damn thing.

“ _Shit_ ,” she hissed, hands too shaky to actually keep the flame going long enough to catch. More flicks of the lighter with no resulting flame; her thumb kept slipping off the edge. 

“May I?” 

She hadn’t even heard Lettow rise from the blanket, too focused on failing at her simple task. He left the metal mug of blood on the hood of his car before he made his way over and stood in front of her. Behind him, she was dimly aware that Julian was scoffing again. 

Lettow’s hands came up to where she held the lighter, hesitating to take over completely as their eyes met. It was so strange, to be aware of the times her heart should’ve been skipping a beat but not having any sort of pulse to speak of. 

His brows raised in a silent request for permission. She had to say _something_. 

“Oh. Uhm--go ahead.” Eloquently spoken while somehow managing not to drop the cigarette. 

_Fucking nailed it._

His hands brushed over hers a moment too long to ignore when she passed off the lighter. 

Lettow Kaminsky stood a solid head over Iris, even with her heavy boots on. He seemed to almost curve around her once more when he bent down, cupping one hand around the end of the cigarette to shield the flame from the wind. Of course, he managed to flick it on the first time, clearly enjoying the fact that his palette didn’t come with any limitations. _His_ hands were perfectly steady. 

Iris’s still shook too much for her liking. Maybe if they were alone, she would’ve felt bold again and used his body to steady them, but she was too aware of their audience. Into her pockets they went instead. 

She watched him openly while they waiting for the fire to catch. What a strange relationship they’d developed--she’d diablerized Aila, and now the Prince of Tucson was lighting her cigarette and standing much closer than he needed to.The chain of events between then and now were far too convoluted to ponder at the moment. Right now, she just wanted to keep studying his face from under her lashes. He was almost painfully attractive, as usual. 

_If I had any sense of self-preservation, I wouldn’t pursue this._

“There.” Lettow looked quietly satisfied once it actually started smoking. Before she could mutter out a _thanks_ , he gently grabbed one of her hands from its pocket and pressed the lighter into her palm. He curled her fingers back over it manually, clasping her hand in both of his in the process. He looked like he wanted to say something. She wanted to drop the cigarette dangling from her lips into the sand and kiss him again.

“Of course, it’s no replacement for actual blood, but if it helps...” The words sounded as if it wasn’t what he had really wanted to say. 

“A placebo effect is better than nothing, right?” She smiled softly. 

“Still. It’s unfortunate that you can’t partake--you’ve been trembling since you awoke.” 

She’d never been someone who was easily moved by affection when she was alive. Getting her to blush was a rare sight to see. His words brought the ghost of heat to her cheeks, and she actually had to force a stammer out of her voice. 

“I’ll be fine. I’ll need to take care of it as soon as we’re done, but I’ll manage.” 

There was that soft smile again, and she was gone. “I’m glad to hear it, Iris.”

 _Too bad I don’t care about what happens to me and I_ will _be riding this until it crashes. Whoops._

She might have gone in for that kiss regardless of any moral quandaries, if Julian hadn’t chosen that exact time to make sure he wasn’t forgotten. 

“If you two are done being weird about each other back there, were should probably get going. Pretty sure Reremouse isn’t going to wait for you two to finish staring wistfully into each other’s eyes.” 

Reluctantly, Lettow returned the hand to her and turned back to Julian. Iris took a quick, sharp drag off her cigarette to avoid snapping at her (ex?) friend-slash-ex lover. 

“He’s right, we can’t afford to linger for very long,” Lettow admitted. 

What she wanted to say was _too bad, that’s all I want to do, he can launch Reremouse into the sun on his own for all I care, can’t I just stand with you a little longer?_

What she actually said was, “Yeah, I guess I can let him have that. Better to get it over with as soon as we can so we don’t have to worry about it anymore.” 

And that was that. She would have to take what was offered to her, even if it would never be quite enough. Blood, love, other vices--it seemed that she would never have her fill. But she was greedy, as were most Kindred, and she would lose herself in them whenever she could. 

No matter what it might cost her in the long run. 


End file.
